1. 'Are they twins?' Err, why else would I be pushing around two newborns and sporting the pallor of a recently exhumed corpse. Of course they're bloody well twins.
2. 'Are they natural?' Nope they're made of plastic - realistic aren't they? Oh I see you were actually expecting me to share my fertility history with you, a complete stranger? Forgive me if I would like to keep the details of my sex life a private matter.
3. 'Are they identical?' Well if you take a look then the answer is self evident - do they look the same? This is a particular favourite of mums with girl/boy twins.
4. 'My sister/neighbour/friend had twins. It was a NIGHTMARE!' Well thanks so much for sharing, that made my day. I shall proceed home to wallow in post natal depression following these kind words.
5. 'You've got your hands full'. You don't say? So why are you wasting my time by stating the bleeding obvious?
6. 'I always dreaded having twins. One was hard enough'. This one holds particularly fond memories for me as it was said to me by a midwife who had been sent out following a tearful call to the local hospital as I was in the throes of postnatal hormonal hell. Though a variation on the this theme was said to a fellow twin mum at a playgroup as a smug singleton mum told her 'Whenever I am having a really bad day, I think of you and feel better'. Sure didn't make my friend feel any better though.
7. 'I don't know how you cope'. Well what do you suggest? I can't send them back where they came from now can I?
Please feel free to add your own contributions...